Week 6 Storytelling: Come Up For Air

Ocean stock photo from Pexels

Have you ever choked? Not on your food or anything, I mean like when you're presented with some big decision and it feels like everything is riding on that moment and all of a sudden your brain shuts down and of all the words you know, you can string together maybe five in a row to form a semi-coherent sentence?

"Uh- I- no, I- I can't do- no."

Yeah, that was a good one. You tell 'em, Yudhi. At least there were five different words there, even if they didn't make a real sentence.

What was I supposed to do? What does anyone do in that situation? You're asked to be king, to take the throne from the half of the family that your side just slaughtered, that's not a decision that anyone can take lightly. So I ran. I guess I decided before it all started, but I didn't get it. I didn't have blood on my hands. I ran further.

I honestly thought I could take half the kingdom back without spilling blood. I knew that wars had happened before, but there had to be something else that could be done. It was through a fault of one of the parties controlling the battlefield, controlling the assets, controlling something too large for them to deal with, that death ever came. They must have been quick to temper, or impatient, or unfair. It couldn't have been inevitable.

I came into this position and thought, 'yeah, I can handle this. I can rule better than those before me, and I can do it with one hand tied behind my back'. It's not a matter of how likeable or reasonable or fair someone is. Some people will refuse to see your way and that's it. It's time to fight. No such thing as talking it out, or compromising. It's all or nothing.

Then....then it's your kin on the line. It's your friends, your family, the people who have known you since you were a child but have wronged you in some way--but shouldn't there still be some provision? Shouldn't they, at least, listen to reason? Or have some respect for the boundaries between family and politics?

I'm telling you this because I need reassurance that it was reasonable for me to bolt. That when I tripped over myself to get out the door, it was expected. It shouldn't surprise anyone at my need to leave the room, to get somewhere that wasn't so confining, where the walls couldn't close in. When I stuttered words as their hands moved towards the crown, that everyone saw it coming.

I made it as far as the beach without stopping.

Breathing hard, as hard as I had in battle just a few days earlier, if not harder, the weight of what was happening hit me and my breaths got shorter, catching in my chest and sitting there, irregular beats on a drum with the mismatch pounding of my heart. I grasped fistfulls of sand, comforted by the silky-scratchy feel, letting myself form fists, then letting it sift through my fingers, then a fist again, then through my fingers.

I shuddered as my breaths drew more regular. I had no idea if I could be a good king. All my life had been a mess, leading from one place to another. I knew that I could be a pretty great nomad, but I wasn't sure about anything else. Getting a few members of your family to follow you around is one thing, but leading an entire country? That was the tough part. How do you get respect, how do you make decisions, or judgements, and how do you reconcile being a firm king, yet one who encourages creativity, a good natured king who is tough on criminals...

There wasn't ever a good answer, except that I almost knew I couldn't be the right choice.

I looked up at the night sky, past the clouds and into the stars.

I felt small. And feeling small--well, it felt good.

I think I'll stay a while.

********

Author's Note: This week, the accompanying song is Miracle Mile, by the Cold War Kids. Truly great song, and once again, was on repeat while I was writing. I wanted to explore further Yudhisthira's moment of insecurity after they win the battle, and expand on it, so that's what I did. I didn't change the setting or bring in many characters, because I really wanted to look at self doubt and what it does to a person. This brought up some interesting quandaries that I've been having with myself recently, and it was good to take a look at those in writing and make changes based on that.

The Mahabharata, by R. K. Narayan (1978). Web Source: Reading Guide.